TL;DR

The only guarantee in life is death.

Having a high income is not the only factor in dating woman.

Developing basic social skills is ever more vital in today’s world.

Whom am I speaking to? Who is this going to help?

The hard working computer nerd who thinks hard work guarantees all outcomes.

My Opinion

Preface

This clip I found of a 90 Day Fiancé couple really just hits to home what it means to be a good man.

For much time, I believed that idea of “earned-rewards” (the idea that I can earn anything I want simply through hard work) applied to all aspects of life.

And don’t get me wrong; when it comes to finances, career, health, fitness, competition, etc. Hard work is certainly the key ingredient. But, it can be quite easy to work hard for something, only to not have earned that thing which you desire, and then be left with a sense of entitlement. Thoughts like, “I deserve this raise”, “I deserve a good wife”, “I deserve respect”.

Look, when those thoughts start coming in, you’re on your way to losing.

What I’ve come to realize is that hard work increases the likelihood of success–but in no way does it guarantee it. As we all know, there’s only one true guarantee in life: death.

The Clip

So how does this relate to the 90 Day Fiancé clip?

A guy like Mike, who has probably spent all his EXP points on money, thinks that he should be entitled to a loyal and understanding woman who acts like his mom.

Mike has no social skills, zero charisma, and worse, he guilt traps Ximena by claiming things like, “I can provide you a great life”, “I can pay for a roof over your head”, “I can buy you opportunities”

This sounds like the phrases of a man who can only buy love.

And I’m not shitting on Mike either. I could see myself having fallen into his shoes. The tendency to think that just because you’ve done well in one aspect of you life permits you to ignore developing the other areas of your life.

The older I get, the more value I see in having good social skills and selling skills. Mike comes across as the stereotypical computer nerd who never has to deal with people, but as a consequence, never learns to develop those social muscles. As I’ve mentioned in my previous book club blog on CBT, people exist everywhere–as long as you live in a society, you will have to engage with people.

I think the most revealing part of the clip was towards the end, when Ximena was so fed up with Mike, that she decided that being poor and going back to the webcam business was a better move than sticking with Mike.

Brother, if a woman has to choose between you and poverty, while raising kids, you’ve got some serious work to do.

A similar case

This whole ordeal reminds me of Brandon Wade, the founder of SeekingArrangement.com (now called Seeking.com).

Look fellas, here you’ve got another, high performing, successful man, who struggles with women.

It’s almost like all this work is in hopes of securing love that does not need to be earned.

A lesson from my mother

My mother tells me stories about men who are these high performing analytical types, yet are so robotic and out of touch with people, that they struggle to find love.

I was en route to become one of those guys, and I’m still working on improving myself in this regard.

What’s the alternative male archetype?

Check out my previous post on high value men.

Given your thoughts and opinions, what practical actions can we take?

Don’t be the type of guy who pays for love.

Love is abundant, and it first begins from within, and then expelled outwardly to be shared with the people around you.

Work hard, with the understanding that you don’t deserve shit.