TL;DR
Whom am I speaking to? Who is this going to help?
My Practical Experience
My Mind Dump.
This past week, with the holidays and the new years, I naturally found myself spending more time with family.
Interacting with family members as an adult is a great spiritual workout; you’re tested emotionally despite being an adult.
what do I mean by this?
Your experience may vary, but I personally hate it when I lose at something; it makes me feel less than and useless.
This past week, I play video games with my brothers and chess with my dad and brother. In both cases, I lost a few times. Each loss hurt because in my mind I’m thinking, “I have my life together
Fake dialogue between me and Em (“Me”, backwards):
Me: “I’m so upset” Em: “what’s wrong?” Me: “I lost a game of chess to my brother, and I lost an xbox competition with another.” Em: “So what’s wrong with that?” Me: “It’s just that–I hate that feeling of people dominating over me. I had a reputation of being great in chess and Mortal Kombat; now my brothers have beaten me in each” Em: “Go on” Me: “It’s just that, I don’t like it”.
Part 1: Have Perspective
Em: “Well let’s analyze the context. Let’s start with Mortal Kombat–that’s a game where none of you guys have a lot of experience in. So what if people label you as the champion; that’s on them, and it’s now you’re choice whether you choose to tie your self worth to people’s labeling of you.
One one hand, you cannot control how people choose to label you, but on the other hand, you can control where you choose to gain the source of your own self-esteem.
Have perspective. Zoom out. Even if you were the best at the game, what is that going to solve? It’s a video game”
Me: “But I like the social validation and social admiration that comes from being good at something. Plus, I like the feeling of winning in multiple areas of life, even if it’s just a game”.
Em: “If you want to choose to gain your self-esteem externally, then at the very least make it something practical. Can you gain social admiration and validation if you win in business, and then use your finds to splurge on your family? Besides, the fact that you’re willing to play with your brothers shows that you enjoy their company, which they greatly appreciate. You don’t need to “win” encounters for them to respect you.”
Part 2: Practice, Practice, Practice
Okay, so now that we have perspective on what matters, let’s extend that to mastery. If beating your dad in chess is important to you, do you think that you can improve with time? Do you choose to believe in the growth mindset of the fixed mindset? Do you choose to believe in the power of grit, or natural talent? Whether you think you can or you cannot, you’re right in both cases, so in a world where data is abundant to support any conclusion, go with story where you win.
Josh might have natural talent when it comes to video games, but I can almost garunatee that if you intentionally practiced and monitored your progress, you would eventually beat him.
Now, while you could do that, you also recognize that investing so much time in a video game, just to beat your brother, is simply not worth the battle. You have perspective; you realize that we are all on borrowed time, so you choose your battles to invest in the ones that will have the highest payouts.
Video games have less of a payout that chess; chess can be used to meet with people, but even then, it’s borderline to spend time improving on it. However, if you really want to beat your dad for symbolic reasons, then why not do some practice each day.
The point is: practice, practice, practice. AND Choose your battles.
I recently lost another online chess match. When I looked at his stats, I was impressed that he had a 38 total win count. BUT he also had a 57 loss count.
“The difference between the master and the novice is that the master has failed more times than the novice is willing to try”
“The fastest way to succeed is to double your failure rate.” – Thomas Watson
“Exposing yourself by revealing your incompetencies or vulnerabilities, WHILE simultaneously holding a positive attitude towards the iterative acquisition of failure, is the FASTEST, LEAST SUFFERING, AND LEAST EFFORT way of learning (it might be painful, because of the acceleration, but only briefly and not nearly as painful as the regret of not doing)” – Me
“Pain exists to promote evolution; it is inevitable. Suffering comes from inaction, and it is optional by our choice. Most people delay starting–yet it’s our choice to start.”
Don’t even get me started on all the quotes on how accumulating failure is the key to success.
Look at your own life and figure out where you’re not failing enough.
Finally, don’t forget to smile :)